this life’s too good to last, and i’m too young to care.

cheer and soforth.

sloth.

this week is slimy. it slithers slowly like a slug, penetrating my lungs with the putrid airs of anxiety. reminding me of my penchant for procrastination; my love for all things lazy, lethargic and lackadaisical. my apathy and disinterest coupled with endless discontent. frustration and fear wells up near my breastbone and my chest heaves; my heart is heavy. my hatred for this cultural wasteland and its sub-zero temperatures and its frozen, dirty tundra and its subpar students and its and its and its and it’s driving me slowly insane. i long for my mother’s cooking and my father’s bear hugs and my brother’s banter and my dog’s love. i need to leave the last few weeks behind. the orgy of hedonism and alcoholism has taken its toll. the orgy of collegiate celebrations and drunken conversations and forced complacency and curse-fueled fighting has given me quite the headache.

week in review: end of fall 09 semester

5 am sunday morning i drop an empty tequila bottle, 5 hours later i’m eating breakfast with my mom and grandma, played in two concerts, got in a fight with my former roommate, packed up, moved out, moved in, slept through wednesday, drank a little, rapped about hanukah, went to class on thursday, moved out, moved in, drank wine, ate chocolate fondue, slept through friday, got slightly trashed, walked through 6 floors of lehman, slept until 10am saturday,  took a nap, academic preparation? no, liver annihilation, captain and cream soda, jello shots, beer, jungle juice, secret beer, bombay (?), played bartender, pretended to be a jew, puked in an empty busch light box, got motorboated twice, started speaking italian, puked behind a couch, fell on the ice, walked past two cop cars, friend thinks she broke her ankle, not really sure how we made it back to campus, vomitus maximus, lazytown, drunk embassy, college, i may be failing, but fuck you all, i’m finally living.

6 dec at 6 am

here, where the sky is

an inky satin sheath speckled with dying stars

my breaths become nebula. spiraling

wispy and willowy in the wind they fade.

the frozen ground crunches under my boots

and fat white flurries flutter and fall.

we are alone together, winter.

let us synchronize our sighs.

i do believe that i am going insane.

someone is strumming an out-of-tune guitar downstairs and someone is humming solfeggio exercises. my breakfast of an onion bagel with butter, peaches and apple juice is accompanied with a non-vocal major practicing her sloppy portamentos through major thirds. i want to ram my head through these white concrete walls until they’re speckled with grey matter and red blood. all i want to do is sleep and sleep and fake my death and never return. none of you truly understand nor want to. i’m sick again. puncture my cochlea so i can no longer hear. i just want the noise to stop. i just want everything to stop. shut up shut up shut up and please leave me alone.

whine whine whine bitch moan woe.

i’m going to be one of those spinster women with 10 cats who eats only ramen noodles and lives hopelessly in the past. yup, i know it. i’m going to drown my sorrows in cheap wine and douse myself in mothball perfume. who needs faux pheromones when you’re always going to be alone? the person i’m hopelessly stuck on is hopelessly stuck on someone from his past, and then he’ll become someone from my past and the vicious cycle will continue until i’m old and completely undesirable and absolutely miserable.

is it so bad that i am craving compassion more than anything else right now?

am i always going to be this cynical and bitter towards love? probably.

i better start stocking up on fancy feast and wool sweaters.

for fuck’s sake.

I’M TIRED. FUCKING STOP.

bye bye musical wasteland.

i’m leaving you all behind.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

i’m dying.